On Diving~
Yesterday while spinning my top trying to make sense of everything flowing through my own mind and world right now, I thought of the perfect metaphor for fear of feeling feelings that have lay dormant or enshrouded by the mind's own protection. Feelings that are deep in one's subconscious, registered in secret files for a time one is wiling to discover the truth and be set free from the binds and chains of the past... stamped upon ones mind for protection until one is ready... or if one is ever ready. I believe the mind's intricate storage is why it's so very difficult to make true and lasting change in one's life. Even when we do make change we are occasionally confronted with the vintage memories. It's as if they tease us and call us back to the place were they origianally protected us. But now there is no protection; only dysfunction that keeps us trapped doing the same old thing and often creating trouble in our life.
Sitting on the kitchen floor, I am embracing Michael in a moment of need, reassuring him that old feelings can't engulf him, for he has already survived... wanting to climb inside and protect him from all that he might feel. Wanting to climb inside and attach for fear I too might loose him, but instead my mind begins to drift in the seconds of our secure hold.
I whisper gently into his ear, now there is nothing to be afraid of, for you have already survived, only work to be done. Once those feelings are released and aired out you will have freedom of mind, body and spirit. Freedom to live as you please, no longer trapped or guided by things in which you had no control. Freedom and time to accomplish so much more and too feel strong and alive. Yes, it frightens me to allow you to go to places where I am unfamiliar with, for I don't know if I will be included, but the reality is I have lived for so long in a place were I have not been introduced to, a world you have kept secret that has limited our life together and that has kept you on guard at the palace doors.
Then my mind wanders trying desperately to understand, why? I think of water both deep and shallow. The tragedy is to remain in the shallow end, especially when you have had a glimpse at the deep waters. Much of what brings on unhappiness and fear is avoidance, it is never best to remain once you have begun to feel. It's time to dive into the depths and free yourself. Feelings are not unlike waves which peak and flow crashing to the surface, only to recede leaving you feeling a calmness you have never felt, sure sometimes those huge waves need to be shore more than once to free what they are covering up underneath, but don't let the height of the wave keep you from the freedom you will feel.
I was thinking about fear and the diving. It is never the deep waters that you will bump your head on, but yet some continue to remain in the shallow end and jump in to the shallow end, only amazed that the keep hitting their head and no change comes about, victimized by their fear. Remaining in the shallow end once you have seen more only brings discontent and the need to hide from yourself even more if you remain in the shallow shores of your conscience. Standing on the side or wading in the shallow end limits your life experience. The one thing I have discovered is that nothing that is deep will hurt you, for you have already survived the depths, but not ignoring it can hurt and destroy you. It can tear at your soul making you do things that you never dreamed possible, keeping you trapped by your fear of diving deep.
I hope that you decide to risk it all and dive deeper than you have ever allowed yourself to do. Noticing each ripple of wave that encircles your being as you come up, riding the waves, knowing that they will not overwhelm to the point of no return. You will not be swallowed by your past, but freed to live as you please, wide open, tossed by your own direction, no longer controlled by events of your mind. You can retire those old feelings by diving deep. So diving in and see what it feels like to live life from above not patrolled by the waves your mind has long been afraid of.
I wish you well on your path, our path and I hope that I am included on the other side in a way that only my deepest dreams could imagine. In the way you have always painted the picture to be. I hope that we discover both new and old things about each other and that you can for at last believe that I have always been here for you to lean on and I have always been here for you to grow and for us to grow together, to play, to love, to experience good and bad. To love with arms wide open and closed to those who are not safe. To be together as two, as one together standing strong, teaching others how to love and see clearly, but for now we must teach each other, so that we can move beyond today.
I love you with all my heart.
Lori
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